Midweek Mention... Abigail

Abigail

Sidey: Abigail

Cris: Yeah, which I've only realized while I was speaking to Kira about it, that it's actually made out of two names, Abby and Gail

Sidey: A portmanteau

Reegs: Or the name Abigail

Cris: Well, yeah, I know, but it's, you

Reegs: I think Abby is short for Abigail,

Cris: Yes, I know it is, but

Sidey: Gail Porter Yeah

Reegs: Yeah

Sidey: Remember her?

Dan: This was just the kind of film that I would avoid at all costs. It, this needs to be- Oh, God. Yeah, but look at the fucking front of it. You know, the-

Reegs: said that because it's the biggest problem with this movie, is how they've marketed it and

Sidey: advertised it. Well, there's no surprise, is there?

Reegs: no

Sidey: Once you've seen, once you select it on the screen, you know that she's a vampire

Reegs: you know that she's a vampire

Sidey: straight away because- Or something

Cris: yeah. Whatever, yeah

Reegs: is of

Dan: her- I, yeah, I didn't- ... demonic

Reegs: face. Yeah. So I suppose it, the marketing angle may have been, okay, you know this, but the characters don't know this. Yeah They think they're in one type of movie, a quippy heist type movie, but actually they're in a quippy horror

Dan: I must say, I didn't know it was a, a

Sidey: this a specific-

Cris: Oh yeah, I didn't know a vampire either.

Reegs: actor No. This is a Universal joint. It was actually part of the, ... Right. You remember they did The Mummy? Yes. With Tom Cruise, and they were gonna do this dark- That's right ... universe thing, spin off of all the Universal legends. They shelved that after one movie

Sidey: because- Yeah, because it was a stinker ... the

Reegs: fell apart and it was a stinker. But they still carried on releasing Universal, some of their monster classic things, like in The Invisible Man, which was pretty good- Yeah ... with Elisabeth Moss

Cris: Elisabeth Moss. Yes.

Reegs: And Renfield, which was the largely unsuccessful Nicholas Hoult one and Nicolas Cage. Yeah. So this was originally titled Dracula's Daughter- Oh and

Sidey: was- Well, that really would've given it away

Reegs: yeah part of that series, but-

Dan: 'Cause I thought this might have been like The Omen or, The Ring or something ... you know, like a demonic child who ... So I wasn't sure going into it, but I saw the, the poster for the movie- Yeah and thought, "And I'd seen this before." And skip, skip, skip, because there's no way that I'm gonna be watching- Which

Reegs: that kind.

Sidey: You watch something so scary ... that kind. I'm not signing up for that kind

Reegs: for that kind of- Not voluntarily ...

Dan: signing up for that kind of thing Not at all so it needed to be watched during daylight hours

Sidey: but it does sort of set you up on a, on a different path from the, from the outset. Yeah It's a heist movie.

Reegs: is, very much

Sidey: plot. Yeah.

Reegs: Yeah. It starts with Swan Lake.

Sidey: Yes. The ballet. Yeah

Reegs: a pair of toes and then it pans up to a girl of about 11 or 12, the titular Abigail. She's performing Swan Lake alone on a vast stage. It ... I know you guys all know this, but she was actually dancing on pointe, which is not what you would get young dancers to do because it would hurt their feet. Yeah. But it's maybe the first clue that she's not as young as- Oh,

Sidey: Oh, okay.

Cris: As you may think. Yeah. Foreshadowing. Yeah.

Reegs: Foreshadowing. Yeah.

Cris: how do

Sidey: how do you think Timothée Chalamet would've thought about this ballet? He's not into ballet and

Reegs: He's not. He doesn't like ballet, does he?

Cris: Tchaikovsky,

Dan: Tchaikovsky, isn't it, Swan Lake?

Cris: I think so

Reegs: so Yes. So yeah, title comes up, and then we get cut to the assembling of a crew. Yep. We've got a goth girl. She looked like a junkie, like sucking on that lollipop

Sidey: from the side. Smoking fucking hot. Oh my God.

Reegs: That is fucking hot. Melissa Barrera. Binned off the Scream franchise for voicing her support for Palestine. That's her story. She is, ... She climbs into a black SUV that's got Dan Stevens in, who I just fucking love that guy. I think he's absolutely

Sidey: The gray big dude? No. Oh, the- who was a real asshole? Yeah. Yeah. The f-

Reegs: Fr- he plays Frank the cop. Yeah. I think he's brilliant. I really like him.

Dan: what's he been in before?

Reegs: In before? The Guest is one that I really liked. He was in the most recent King Kong film, I think. Was he? But he's been in loads of stuff. Yeah. And the other guy's P- the character is Peter, Kevin Durand.

Sidey: The

Dan: big guy?

Cris: big guy, yeah. Oh, I

Dan: like him actually. Yeah. I thought he's-

Reegs: That's his natural accent that he's talking in- Oh, right ... in this movie. So he's from, actually from Quebec- Okay ... where the character was.

Dan: I've seen him. I think he was in Mystery Alaska as one of the big units of Russell Crowe's, in Russell Crowe's team playing- Yes, he

Sidey: We did that for pod, didn't we? That's,

Dan: hockey. We did see the- That project, mate? Yeah, I think we did, yeah.

Reegs: He was in the TV series The Strain, if anybody ever watched that, which was a similar vampire-y

Sidey: but I liked, I liked him in this.

Reegs: Yeah. So the girl goes in. She's got two fully loaded syringes, which she shows to the other guys. Yep.

Sidey: They don't know necessarily all of them, do they- No ... that they're taking a girl? No, they don't know at

Reegs: No, they don't know at

Cris: No. And there's another van with the, that idiot and the hacker

Reegs: Angus Cloud who- General Protege he's, well, he just plays a really drugged out guy, and obviously died of an

Sidey: Oh, did he?

Reegs: during the filming of

Cris: Oh, did he? Okay

Sidey: just after the,

Reegs: filming of this and three other movies, so I think what you're watching is a fairly literal portrayal of what he was

Sidey: what he was like. Yikes.

Reegs: Yeah. And the other one is somebody else.

Cris: The Black guy, no? N- well- Oh, no. The, the-

Reegs: girl, and she's really good as well

Cris: the hacker girl. Sam- I think

Sidey: Newton, Sammy.

Reegs: yeah.

Dan: Where have we s- where have we seen the, the guy who is putting it all together? Is it Palmer?

Reegs: Layton

Dan: Lambert. Giancarlo

Sidey: Esposito.

Cris: Giancarlo Esposito.

Sidey: Breaking Bad, and he was Darth Gideon. The gentleman. I walked right next to him at Heathrow Terminal 5. Oh, did you? What? Yeah. He's walked next to

Dan: walked next to you in

Sidey: Yeah. Rather, sorry, yes, he

Cris: He's a very handsome man.

Sidey: Yeah. He's got, he's, he's not that tall.

Cris: No, but quite

Sidey: was just walking around like a, you know... It wa- there was no entourage or nothing like that. Yeah, yeah. It was, and it was absolutely definitely 100% him. Seemed like there was no pretension or anything like that. Yeah. He was just a nice dude. It's

Cris: nice to see that, no?

Dan: I saw Terry Waite in the airport once.

Reegs: Did you?

Sidey: Did you? Yeah,

Cris: I don't know who that is. Tall guy.

Dan: guy.

Reegs: He spent a large part of the '90s handcuffed to a radiator.

Sidey: hostage ... yeah. W- yeah. He went- He was a hostage. He was a hostage ... he went- Oh,

Reegs: He went Famously

Cris: He was a hostage. He was a- Oh,

Dan: hostage. He was a hostage. He was a, he's a famous hostage. Oh, right. He went on a peace mission, and they

Sidey: him up. Well,

Cris: there's gonna be a hostage in this film at some point as well, no?

Sidey: sure. Well,

Reegs: who is the hostage is really the question, isn't it? So yeah, let's get to that. So the, yeah, the, there's the settings of a heist, the sniper covering, radio contact, getaway cars, all this sort of stuff. Text messages saying, "Tiny Dancer is moving." And they mask up, and they tail this limo that get- the girl gets into by herself back to a, a house. And, Nice

Cris: Nice gaff, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And-

Sidey: The hacker does all the hacking and, like, turns off the alarms and opens the security doors and stuff

Reegs: Everything's, like, really clean and smooth until it kind of isn't. Well,

Sidey: they,

Dan: go through and they,

Sidey: They're

Dan: able to find this girl, who puts up a bit of a fight actually and they inject her. They put her in a black sack over her shoulder

Reegs: Well, they're all hidden in her bedroom, aren't they? Yeah. And she gets on the bed, and then they're all, like, hidden behind the mirror, and she hears a floorboard creak that gives it away, and that's when they jump on her and- That's right, yeah she stabs Dan Stevens through the hand quite viciously with a pencil. Yeah, yeah,

Dan: she puts up a, a bit of a fight. But she's obviously no match. She's just a little girl, and they-

Sidey: You think

Dan: they put her over their shoulder and take her into the car and take her to- Yeah ... a, a new location,

Sidey: home just as this, you know, they have to get out just as the other person, you know, the dad or

Reegs: the father

Dan: Yeah, the, the alarm bells are ringing or

Sidey: bells are ringing or the- And they do, they time it

Dan: come on, but the hacker is ab- able to open the door

Reegs: And instantly they show that some of them are uncomfortable with this, particularly Joey, who's like, "Hang on a minute. This is a child. We shouldn't be

Sidey: We thought we were stealing a painting or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Reegs: But anyway, so they take her off and they take her to Wilhelm Manor. It's like a creepy manor out in the middle of

Dan: in the middle of nowhere And they're getting $7 million for 24 hours. They know that in 24 hours they're gonna all be $7 million each

Reegs: told that by Giancarlo Esposito, Lambert, the mastermind supposedly, who's brought them all together. He says they've got 24... The hard part of the job is done. They've got 24 hours. They're gonna ransom the girl. No backstories. They don't tell each other their real names or any backstories, anything like that. Everybody walks

Cris: He calls them each a name.

Sidey: Yeah.

Reegs: them the Rat Pack name. Yeah. Frank, the others. Yeah. Peter. Joey. Joey, yeah. S- Sammy, all of it. So, the girl is in a room by herself, and only Joey is supposed to talk to

Sidey: her. Yeah, like with a mask. She can only

Cris: Yeah ... and

Reegs: she only sees one masked face. And for the plot as well, Lambert makes sure to collect everybody's phones, so there's no

Dan: It takes about- Yeah it takes about 15 minutes for that plan to go a little bit south because Joey goes into the girl's room, and she's obviously a little bit softer on her, and she's helping her with the, Handcuffs ... the handcuffs, making them a bit looser.

Cris: And the eye-- the blindfold, no? Yeah.

Dan: she's also like a Sherlock Holmes figure when she gets downstairs. She, she knows just by the way that Frank's standing, he used to be a cop, and she'll call it

Reegs: tries it first. His character tries it first. He tries to read everyone in the room and gets it horribly wrong. She, like, laughs at him, doesn't she? Yeah. And then she's like, "Yeah, I know that he's a cop,

Dan: Oh, you do me, you do me, you

Sidey: a junkie.

Reegs: then the last one, "Semper Fi," she just says to him

Sidey: no, she says to the hacker chap, "You're all already rich, but you're just doing it

Reegs: You're just, this is just for lols

Sidey: Is it, is it... When she goes in to see Abigail, Abigail actually says to her, "Listen-

Cris: They're gonna hurt

Sidey: sorry

Reegs: "Listen- "They're gonna hurt you." "I'm sorry." She says, "I'm sorry about what's

Sidey: sorry for what's gonna happen to you." And she's like, "For what?" What? Well,

Dan: what?" Well, she's like, "Who's your father?"

Sidey: And we've seen the, we've seen the cover art, so we know.

Reegs: We know already, but they don't know. They're in the movie, they don't know. And it, and it is the father, isn't it? And there's been a lot of suggestion, oh, who is the father? Who is this guy? They speculate, is he a tech billionaire? Is he a banker? Is he

Dan: it's fucking Keyser Söze, isn't it? I mean, it's,

Reegs: conclusion they come to eventually, yeah.

Dan: it, it's what is it? Lazar Bazaar or someone.

Sidey: Lazar Burton. Frank

Reegs: goes in after, he gets spooked out by all this. And f- after she's gone out, he goes in. He doesn't realize that she, Abigail's had her blindfold

Sidey: he goes mad about

Reegs: So he goes into the room, and she's then obviously instantly saw, seen her face. "What color are my eyes?" He's going, "Put your face away. Put your, put, put your hand over your face," and all this. So that's when he gets the name out of her, which is Christoph Lazar. And you're right, it is the film's Keyser Söze, isn't it?

Sidey: Yep.

Dan: Yeah, he's the bad guy's bad guy. And when Frank comes out that room, he's ready to leave. He's like, "Keep the money. Split my money between you. I'm getting the fuck out of here." And Joey's saying, "Well, wait a minute. What, what have you said? What do you know?" And as he says, "Well, it's Lazar Bazaar. That's her dad, Keyser Söze," a couple of them know the story and the legends, and a couple of them

Reegs: of them are like, "Oh, it doesn't exist. It's a

Dan: exist." He doesn't exist. And yeah, he fucking does. This guy is

Sidey: It's the real deal

Dan: he's the real deal. He's like... And the rich girl had never heard of him because it's not the circle she moves in. But- She's not a

Reegs: She's not a crim per se. She's- No ... here because of her skills

Dan: and for

Reegs: for the lols

Dan: But then kinda Frank talks himself out of it really and says, "Okay, look, 24 hours."

Reegs: They're just like, "It's one little girl. We've got 22 hours

Dan: we can hunker down. We can hunker down and do this.

Reegs: So they resolve to sort of s- secure the house and look round it which is where

Cris: Wrinkles And she opens,

Reegs: she opens up the thing so that moonlight spills out onto the thing, which will be important later. And then yeah, who? Rickles? Rickles

Cris: takes the top, looks outside just to kinda... He's got the, the sniper. He's like- John Rickles ... secure the perimeter.

Reegs: Yeah. So, Dean, Angus Cloud's character, he goes off looking round the thing. I think he's already tried to get it on with Kathryn Newton. Yeah. He's got, like, the little f- flame, and he surprises her in the dark, which doesn't go very well. And then he goes off to the kitchen to get some food, hears some noises coming from the- Out of the pantry ... pantry, goes in there. Doesn't seem to be anything, but then- Rats ... as he's... Rats,

Cris: was rats.

Reegs: right. And then as he turns to walk out, he's attacked by something off screen, very strong, that pulls him- Mm along and l-

Dan: and- Yeah, despite him holding onto the, like, the bottom of the stairs he can't hold on, and this, this,

Sidey: Hold on

Dan: thing has, has pulled him. And the next time we see the rich girl going downstairs, 'cause she's heard a noise after watching TV And she goes exactly the same experience. Goes into the pantry, thinks she hears a sound, gets a bit spooked, goes upstairs, and there's the guy sat at his, at the table. And she's go, "Oh, what the fuck are you doing? You scared the shit out of me." And then his head just falls off.

Reegs: Yeah. And then Peter, Kevin Durand's character, comes in. He was accosted 'cause he was asleep, and we'd seen Angus draw something on his face, but we didn't know what it was. So when he comes in, she's like, "He's dead." And then he's got... "Why have you got a dick on your face?"

Sidey: He

Dan: do- yeah, he doesn't know. I don't understand how you know, you've got 22 hours, how they could be asleep. Like, you know, they've got

Reegs: I can

Cris: He was drunk. What? He was drunk. They had a lot of drinks- Oh, right ... because they had a bar

Reegs: like that on planes. As soon, like you get on a plane, and I was

Sidey: like straight away. That's

Dan: nice. Yeah, it's a good skill to have. I'll draw a dick on your face next time. So

Cris: Yeah.

Reegs: So now they've had this decapitated body, they become pretty convinced quite quickly that this is the work of Lazaar's

Sidey: Yeah, this- Formidable

Reegs: enforcer called Valdez. And they talk about, you know, stories of, like, limbs being hacked off and mutilated bodies being found- Yeah ... and all sorts of shit, so, they're pretty sure that Valdez in, is in the house. And you're sitting there thinking, "For fuck's sake, can we please now pay off the gag? 'Cause

Sidey: 'Cause we've had it- Oh, there's still one more good line about it. Yeah. When someone... So they, they, they go into the room, don't they? They're like, "Because we need to see her, like in full effect." Yeah. And they all- Well, they

Reegs: they get locked in first, don't

Sidey: Yeah. Well, the, the shutters come down. Yeah.

Reegs: 'Cause th- th- f- most of them are like, "Fuck this, I'm out of here." The, the Rickles is like, "Seven million's not worth it, I'm getting out of here." And then find that they can't get out

Sidey: So they, they do go into the room and basically she reveals herself to be this fucking vampire demon, you know, jumping around all over the place and mad.

Reegs: She kills Rickles first, 'cause they, they go off to look for this Lazaar guy, don't they? 'Cause it's literally she's behind him like, "Right, I'll go and see you in a minute." And then you just hear this noise, and she looks back and he's just stood there with his back to the camera. And when she goes to see him, he's had his throat slashed horribly.

Sidey: Is it Frank who actually shoots her first? Yeah. Yeah. And they said- they're going, "Oh," someone says about Valdez, and like, "She's fucking Valdez."

Cris: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah.

Sidey: know, you're like, "Duh."

Dan: She, wipes the bullet just off her head, doesn't she? Yeah. She kind

Reegs: of Well, first, first of all, Frank goes, he leads the charge of, "Abigail's it, so we're gonna go and get her." And everyone's a bit like, "But this is a 12-year-old girl." And Peter, Kevin Durand's like, "No, I'll fucking do it." He's, like, well up for a battering. He's a man who enjoys his work, basically. And then that's when Joey pulls a gun. It's kinda like a Mexican standoff, isn't it? Until Abigail does- And then she just- She sl- slides off the handcuffs, like, sort of almost breaks her wrist to do it yeah, she breaks her wrist, yeah. Yeah

Sidey: her wrist in two.

Reegs: and then just attacks them really viciously.

Dan: And Rich Girl's just kind of looking at all this unfold and she's saying, "What the fuck? What the fuck?" And then that's it. She, she's got the full demon teeth, the eyes, the... You know, we realize now that she isn't... You know, she's like any

Sidey: Not just a ballerina young

Dan: girl. She's just gonna suck the blood right out of you and gonna take everything from you. You

Reegs: the film plays it as a big shock, doesn't it? Yeah. Like a big reveal. Yeah. Even though you've been waiting for it to happen.

Dan: As I say, I, for me, it kind of was a bit of a reveal because I didn't hang around looking into... I just, this was a film I needed to get out the way, and I was just like, "Right, come on then, let's start here."

Sidey: was just, you know- But

Reegs: and actually, the early scenes with the girl, when they're played straight, when you're watching, like, four big men rough up a 12-year-old girl, and it looks a bit convincing- No, I watched it, like- It's like, whoa, that's quite disturbing

Sidey: to, to some point. But I had seen obviously the, the picture

Dan: girl and it looks a bit convincing So I watched it like that to, to some point, but I had seen obviously the, the picture and she's got blood dripping from her teeth from the, from

Reegs: she gets, like you said, she gets shot in the head here. Her brains go

Sidey: Yeah, all over the wall. Yeah.

Reegs: all over the wall. And that's when they're like, "We've got a vampire. It's definitely a vampire, a ballerina vampire." And they go off to, they're like, "Right, let's go and get holy water

Sidey: start going through all the tropes

Reegs: Yeah. It's like a horror attraction. Garlic. When she comes back, those are fucking onions. It's making me laugh so much.

Sidey: much. Yeah.

Cris: so much.

Dan: Yeah. They

Sidey: get, is it pool cues or billiards? Yeah. Pool cues.

Dan: says, "I don't know, I don't cook." Like

Reegs: don't know. I don't

Cris: So

Sidey: So yeah, they, they've got all the the kind of staples. One of

Reegs: So they go to try and find her, don't they? And they go up to the room, and it's empty. And then they can hear the music as she goes in, and she's just on stage, like, in her full ballerina outfit with Angus' like decapitated corpse just dancing with her on stage. Quite good, that bit. I

Dan: And then she kind of notices that they're all there, and just starts-

Reegs: th- they throw some holy water on her, and she laughs. And the guy, like, throw- like, shows her the crucifix, and she's like... What does she do with it? Oh, she stabs him repeatedly with

Sidey: it's, a little necklace one. Yeah. And she just fuck, fucking stabs, Peter ... Peter like, a million times. She sniffs the garlic

Dan: and just like loves it. Yeah. She's just like, "What the fuck you... This is

Sidey: this the bit where they actually do crack a window? Or they, she sma- Joey smashes through a pane of wood and gets the moonlight, and it takes her hand off? It, it

Dan: gives- Is

Sidey: this that, that sequence? No, that's a bit later

Dan: on. But they ma- they manage to kind of fight her off, and even the guy who's been stabbed a million times with his own little mini crucifix, he's okay. He's wounded, but he's all

Reegs: pretty wounded. Doesn't Frank get a

Dan: they all come-

Cris: Yeah.

Sidey: Yeah. Yeah.

Dan: They all kind of, you know, come out the room and just like, "Oh, fuck. We're getting

Sidey: battered." They keep thinking they've got her trapped.

Dan: her trapped. Yeah.

Sidey: S- I think first of all it's behind a door, which she just smashes through. Joey- Then there's that wooden s- the metal kind of elevator thing.

Dan: Yeah.

Sidey: And they think that she's... And you're like, "No, dickhead. She's just gonna..." Well,

Dan: Joey at that point had said, "Look, you're talking, you don't know anything. Like, what you're gonna do is not gonna work." But Frank's taken control, and they go up, and they do, they kind of reconvene outside the room and go, "Well, that, well, the fucking she came down like I told you so," as Frank's got sort of, You know, a pork cube through his leg. And she pulls it out and starts to fix it up a little bit, and she says, "I've got... The only thing we know that's worked is this injection." Yeah. "We need to get the injection in her." And eventually, after, you know, another big fucking fight scene-

Reegs: Well, it's more like you establish, oh right, this is actually for Abigail to hunt. This is... She's like a cat with some mice,

Sidey: Yeah, they've been, they've been trapped.

Reegs: been- trapped. Because you see a mural. You, there's a mural that depicts this kind of happening over time, and there's also the pool. Yeah. She falls in that swimming pool that's just full of liquifying corpses.

Sidey: nitrogen. Really. Well,

Dan: she says, you know, "I, I'm sorry, I like to play with my

Reegs: Yeah. That's it, yeah

Dan: you know, they are the food. She's

Reegs: She's chasing him

Dan: does, this does work though, this injection. And they're able to,

Reegs: her in a cage

Dan: They lock her in a cage ... they lock her in a cage. I

Sidey: But when Sammy f- 'cause this is, like, the most, I think, disgusting bit of the film, when Sammy falls in that pool- Yeah and she's screaming, and she's looking around, and there's loads of bodies, and she, when she manages to crawl out and looks back, there must be, like, 100 plus bodies in there decomposing. Yeah. How

Dan: There you go. How many are there? Two? Three?

Cris: And limbs- Ah. And limbs and all

Sidey: Just d- imagine the stench of decomposing, like

Reegs: yeah. So, Yeah, they've got her in that elevator

Cris: Shaft thing, yeah. And that's wh- And this is

Reegs: she starts telling, "I'm 200 years old,"

Cris: only that, that's when she tells them who they really are. "You're Peter, whatever. You're a police officer. You used to work for my dad- Yeah ... but you were corrupt, and you didn't really do it. Then you're... You used to be this, but you became a junkie. Then you used to be..." Like, everyone basically betrayed her and her dad's organization.

Reegs: out it was all about her dad after all, but not in the way that you thought. That she'd convened all of these people here who had wronged her father and his criminal organization in some

Sidey: Yeah. Yeah

Reegs: to earn his approval, basically, to kill them- Yes

Dan: Dad doesn't pay her enough attention

Reegs: her enough attention. Basically. Yeah. Basically.

Cris: Yeah. Daddy issues.

Reegs: suck

Cris: Some people suck dick for daddy issues. Some of

Sidey: She sucks blood

Reegs: what? She starts saying, "Oh, like, if you let the door open, I'll let you live, and I'll kill her." Yeah. And, like, some of them are up for it, and that sort of thing.

Sidey: Peter is

Cris: up for it, no?

Reegs: But in the- Well, Peter's up for it ... but it doesn't play out like that, and in the end she just ends up punching the front off, 'cause she can't be bothered to

Sidey: think Frank gets close to her, doesn't he, and she just smashes it

Dan: goes back aga- on a deal. She says- Yeah ... "Look, let me out, and I'll let you live." Yeah. And he goes, "You tell me how to get out first." And she says, "Look, there's a, there's a book, an Agatha Christie book. Pull that back, and the secret door will, will kind of, and he's going, "You fucking freak," like, "I'm not gonna let you out." And she just

Sidey: Bang uses

Dan: her superpower. Yeah.

Cris: and- Yeah.

Dan: And you realize that it might as well just been twigs in front of her because the She's just toying with them all.

Reegs: But this is where we do find, this is where the hand

Sidey: flies at this point, doesn't she?

Reegs: can fly. She can fly, yeah.

Dan: There you go. They're

Reegs: to fly up and he's like, "What are you

Dan: fucking flying. She's fucking flying. And yeah, Frank does get into the library where he finds the book. And he pulls it back, and he looks back at everybody like, "I've fucking found the way out." And it's just a bullshit lie. There's nothing to do- ... nothing to do with any of it.

Reegs: Also, at this point Sammy has been turned. Yeah. She's been bitten by Abigail and turned

Sidey: a puppet ... into

Reegs: a vampire, which would be revealed to one of the other characters.

Dan: big guy

Reegs: Peter.

Cris: big guy, yeah.

Dan: Yeah. He, he's, '

Cris: cause he quite fancies

Sidey: her. They, they have a

Cris: they

Dan: they go off in twos together to- Yeah ... to go and search the house for the,

Reegs: for the, There's a bit where sh- Abigail's kind of puppeteering

Sidey: she dances.

Reegs: almost- Yeah ... like remotely as she dances. Yeah.

Cris: remotely as she dances.

Reegs: So anyway, it then descends basically into, like, a load of set pieces when the film didn't really know how to end, obviously. We've got a-

Cris: didn't want to end.

Reegs: yeah, didn't want to end. Agreed. The, first of all, we've gotta have a little, like, misdirection with Lambert.

Sidey: Well, yeah, sort of say like, oh, we've forgotten that John Carr- like the film's forgotten that like- He was there as well Lambert was there. So it turns out that-

Reegs: He's been there all along

Sidey: been a vampire, and he sort of helps to engineer these- Yeah ... misdirection to get people... He draws people to the mansion for her to feast on.

Reegs: Yeah. But basically, Lambert starscreams Abigail. Like, cuts her up, and then gets starscreamed by Frank- Yeah ... who he gets turned into a vampire, and loves being a vampire. He's a, he's a funny

Sidey: as well. But

Dan: he gets the option, doesn't he? Frank, he's

Sidey: like- He says, "Fuck it, bite me."

Dan: He goes "Me and you will take down Lazar together. We'll rule this fucking town." Yeah. "Because being a vampire is fucking great, actually. It's- ... I can't do it, I can't do it on my own, but with me and you, we could probably take down the top boss." Yeah. "And then we can be bossing everybody, 'cause..." And Frank's like, goes, "Yeah, fuck it. All right. Bite me," and drinks his blood. It

Sidey: it has been revealed that sunlight is what is the real killer. Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause she's Abigail's had her hand in the sunlight, immediately explodes. Yeah. It's, like, violent. Reassuring- And then we get to see it- ... to

Dan: explodes Yeah Like violently

Sidey: sunlight- ... grow back. It's quite grim, that bit,

Dan: actually It's reassuring to have that sunlight just falling,

Sidey: job it was a sunny day ... at the moment. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I'm not a vampire, clearly.

Dan: in the sunbeam.

Reegs: It was reassuring that this was all taking place at night, but there was a huge s- But, but anyway, let's not think about that too much.

Sidey: 'Cause is it, is Lambert, does he get-

Reegs: Lambert gets killed almost instantly by Frank- Yeah, he

Sidey: gets speared. He gets, he gets staked, doesn't he? Yeah. So that still works. And then- So the garlic- ... he's monologuing ... garlic, holy water, stuff like that doesn't work. No. Crucifix- Stakes through the heart ... stakes works and s- Yeah ... and sunlight works. And sunlight, yeah. Yeah. And then when they get killed, it's like Buffy, but the, the effects are better. Oh, actually, shout-out to Antony Stuart-Head, who died. Antony Stuart-Head, yeah. They properly explode in, like,

Reegs: and, like- It's really

Sidey: everywhere. Yeah.

Dan: Yeah, his bubbly flesh everywhere.

Reegs: spray, yeah, his fucking flesh everywhere. So we now are sort of mad on power. Frank decides to convert Joey against her will to be a vampire.

Sidey: Surprised by that bit.

Reegs: Shoves a poker through her, but ... And he bites her, but he's too young to turn

Sidey: We don't know that straight away. We don't know that.

Reegs: no. And after she's been bitten, she goes off to phone her son, 'cause there's been a thing about-

Sidey: doesn't look old enough to have a...

Reegs: well, I think it was complicated, her life, but she had a s- she was an absent mother- She was ... which is not really something you often hear about or see about in films.

Dan: she was an absent mother, worked in the army, got injured, got hooked on morphine and then became a more absent mother, I guess. And she's trying to make it up with her son. And we go into a big kinda library room for the end of the, the film and the big kind of final- Yeah ... boss fight.

Reegs: This is what- Yeah ... she pretends to be turned, doesn't she? Well, yeah And obeying Frank.

Sidey: th-

Dan: they've gotta beat Frank. And, and her and Abigail end up teaming up together- Yeah To beat Frank.

Sidey: Yeah.

Reegs: And they ram a stake home and he gives a... He says, "Oh, f-" He nearly gets an expletive out, and then he just explodes into, like, a billion pieces.

Sidey: Who got done with the silver tray to reflect the sunlight?

Cris: The blonde girl when

Sidey: was- Oh, she- Is

Reegs: Newton, yeah. Okay. That was a good one, wasn't it? With the tray, yeah.

Dan: just t- turned deflected

Sidey: sun- And then Abigail says, "Yeah, thing- the thing about the powers is, you know, it doesn't... They don't take effect straight away." He was too young to be able to turn you, 'cause you think, "Oh, God, she's a vampire now," but she's not really. But

Reegs: She's

Dan: But then Bob Lazar Bizarre turns up, Keyser Söze himself

Reegs: And the way this is shot, it, like, pans up from the floor, and you're like, "Oh my God, who's it gonna be? Anthony Hopkins or, like, some

Sidey: Some random guy ... Matthew Goode. Oh,

Reegs: it's Matthew Goode. Right. Okay. Yeah, I kinda liked him in Watchmen. Oh, and now I've done some stuff-

Sidey: also undead? Yeah.

Reegs: at the time. And also, now I've done some research, you were in a small short-lived vampire TV series in 2013, so... But I don't know, it just pans up as if we're supposed to be like, but it's just some guy. Yeah. And he then, he's just really dismissive to Abigail. Horrible.

Cris: shit

Sidey: Abigail. He just gives her

Reegs: yeah.

Sidey: yeah. And they let, they let Sammy go.

Cris: Sammy go. Well, he wants to kill Sammy first, and then Abigail kinda stands. She

Dan: steps in and he goes, "She was there. Like, you weren't there the whole time." Yeah. And he gives her a, a big kind of licky, kissy

Sidey: she's absolutely covered. She's drenched in blood. Yeah.

Cris: And he's like, "I can smell the blood in you,"

Dan: You better get out of here now then. He lets her live just because to-

Reegs: He's

Sidey: a solid

Dan: to have favor for his his daughter. And, and she kind of limp walks outside, gets into the, the the, the car that looks something out Scooby-Doo, but and, and-

Sidey: she

Reegs: says the, I think probably the only thing you would say, which is, "What the fuck?" And then the film

Dan: Yeah. What

Cris: no, she finds the lollipop. Yeah. Yeah. The li-- one last suckie suckie.

Sidey: Yeah. One last

Reegs: One last sucky sucky. Yeah. One last sucky sucky, and then we end.

Sidey: and

Dan: it goes as she, she escapes into the night, and and it was actually quite good fun.

Sidey: Yeah.

Dan: liked

Sidey: it. You, you- Yeah ... you don't, like, don't think about it too much. Yeah. No, well- Not, not because it's vampires, because the pl- like, sometimes it just doesn't make any

Dan: Not because it's vampires, because it, like sometimes it just doesn't make sense ... well, it's silly rather than scary. It wasn't like, Yeah,

Sidey: you know- It's daft

Dan: it

Reegs: wasn't- I mean, it's like Buffet ... psychologically scary. I think the- It was,

Cris: It's daft

Sidey: I mean, it's like Buffy. It's psychologically scary. It, yeah It

Reegs: the obvious point of comparison is From Dusk Till Dawn. Yeah. Yeah. But that one was, like, a legitimate

Sidey: Tarantino

Reegs: grim crime movie at the beginning, and takes a very big tonal leap into its madcap finale. This one, it's like MCU-style heist movie, and then MCU-style vampire movie. The tonal leap is not so big, but it's still good fun because it's well made and the

Sidey: It's funny seeing a kid, like, kill the baddies. She's amazing in it Slash, slash goodies. She,

Dan: She's amazing in it. She, she was brilliant, and the, the kind of Rat Pack themselves were, were decent as well. I like the characters in there. I like, You know, it wasn't a long movie. I think came in about an hour and a half. Yeah

Sidey: Yeah.

Reegs: It was a little bit longer than that, and I really felt that the ending dragged itself out, that it, it went on and on, and it didn't need to. I

Cris: Totally. It could've been done a lot quicker than

Reegs: of that. And they got... It's stuck in a thing because the,

Sidey: the

Reegs: the directors who made this, they're a team that, that call themselves Radio Silence. I've got their name somewhere. They did the movie Ready or Not- Oh, yeah ... with Samara Weaving. Yeah. And they pay homages to their own film in this one of that one. I'm like, "Come on, man. You've got about three or four films under your belt. You can't be doing that."

Sidey: I suppose, I don't know, I didn't expect them to turn, you know, the, the end boss fight to be one of the crew, but I suppose even though she was a vampire, they still couldn't have them killing a kid, or they didn't want it to play out like that.

Dan: Right. Yeah. 'Cause it's

Sidey: a kid, so

Cris: was 200 years old, so. Yeah.

Sidey: Yeah.

Cris: And

Dan: Yeah, and she, she, she learnt a lot about being a vampire where, you know, they would say, "You don't know what the fuck. You don't know how to do all the cool shit. You gotta be around a little while before you

Sidey: it." It is quite fun when they're playing around with the lore of, but they probably didn't do it enough. But I enjoyed it. I, I-

Dan: it was enough for me. I, you know, I... It wasn't maybe for the vampire purists then if there's lots of different kind of laws of vampire-ing and vampires. But I thought this was a, a, a pretty funny kinda twist on, on it. And there was, it was funny as well. There was lots of humor- Yeah in it. It didn't take itself too seriously. It was... If I'd have known it was this kind of film, I'd have probably enjoyed it a lot more from the begin- But I was,

Reegs: You were waiting to be

Dan: I wa- You were waiting to be scared ... I, I was waiting to be scared, and I was waiting for it to take more of a, a dark turn like you know, we've seen in The Omen or,

Reegs: there's quite a lot of gore, but it's always in service of a laugh. Y-

Sidey: yeah. And, And, they explode and, you know,

Dan: Because there's quite a lot of humor ... you know- But it's always in service of a laugh. It, yeah. And, and they explode. And you know, it's, it's not, And there's not too many kinda jump scares, stuff like that. It's more you could see it coming. And blood and gore and things like that, which I'm actually not too... Our, our gore here I'm not too bad with.

Cris: What

Sidey: do you think, Chris?

Cris: It was a bit of a waste of time for me, this.

Sidey: for me.

Cris: I understand why they made it and how... And, and I, I kinda agree to your point, but it was definitely too long. And even the funny, like that with the onions, I did not find that funny. I knew that he was gonna say that. I knew exactly as soon as she came with that, I was just like, "That's not

Dan: like, "That's not funny."

Cris: And, and e- half of the things that they try to be funny with, even the guy, after the second time that they call him stupid, I was just like, "All right, this is an expired joke now. You can leave it alone." Like, "Oh, he's a bully, he's stupid.

Reegs: ha." What?

Sidey: ha." ha." it's

Cris: not funny. I don't know. I... It just didn't, it didn't end Where does it wanna be? Does it wanna be a, a funny vampire movie? It's not that funny. Is it a, a really horror film? Well, it's not that much horror. Is it a suspense thriller thing? There's not really much in it. So it's kind of like in the middle of all these genres- Yeah ... to, to try to be all these. And to be honest, I don't wanna be a dick, but that guy with the the police cop, Frank, I think he's a dick. I don't, and I don't-

Sidey: was a dick,

Reegs: Dan Stevens is a great actor. Honestly, I- Have you seen the thing with him on Good Morning Britain or whatever it is, with Susanna Reid, and she's like, "Oh, I heard you had to beat off a lot of men for that role." And he just starts, like, creasing with laughter, and she doesn't get it and pushes it even again, and he's trying not to, like-

Sidey: have seen that, yeah. Yeah.

Cris: So anyway, that's, that's my take. Look, it, it, if it would've been an hour and 20 minutes- Yeah ... and just a bit of a, of a bit of a more breeze and not so much towards the end. What I get, I bite you, you bite me. There's another one bites the other one. And

Reegs: agree. It c- it got a bit messy by

Cris: they didn't even have to bring the father out. Yeah. They could have

Sidey: that was a bit unnecessary, yeah just

Cris: stopped it before the father comes, and Abigail could have been like, "Right, you go. My father's gonna come. Don't see the father. Don't play Matthew Good. We're all fine." I, I wonder

Dan: if there's a part around redemption in parenting and things like that because she is going to go and see her long-lost son- What? ... and he is going to see- Joey is

Cris: is the only good thing in this film. She's so hot. Honestly, all I could do is I was watching with Kira, and all I could do was watching her t- like her tits because she had a massive cleavage. And all I was, I was like, "This is good. This is the only good

Sidey: thing in this film." Guilty, guilty as charged. Budget for it was 28 million US. Yeah. What do you reckon? Winner or a-

Reegs: I, I th- I think it's difficult to market

Sidey: Any other takers?

Dan: I reckon there's enough, I

Cris: Was it 28? It made 38 million ... money back.

Sidey: Chris is pretty close. Made 43, just over 43 million. Yeah.

Dan: 43 million. I just because I know that people like this kind of stuff- Yeah ... you know? It's, I

Sidey: a guess ... I long

Reegs: for the person who comes across this, like, ... I don't even know if this happens anymore, but late night on TV, they've never seen it, they tune in at the beginning, they don't know what it is- Yeah and they're, like,

Sidey: like being- Or just the, just the picture ... surprised. It doesn't give away that she's a fucking vampire.

Reegs: know, yeah.

Sidey: How many theaters do you think it opened to?

Cris: Ooh,

Reegs: it opened to? Ooh, I'm gonna say 10. No.

Sidey: No. Six? No.

Cris: Two? 500. Getting closer.

Dan: 500. S- Getting closer ... 712.

Cris: No,

Sidey: it's more than that.

Cris: Oh, is it more? Yeah. 1,000,

Sidey: 1,000, 1,200. No. 666. No. That would've been good. 3,384. Wow. What a, what a stat. That

Dan: would've been my next guess.

Sidey: guess. Yeah. Jesus. So o- overall, I would have to say that it is a strong recommend. Yes. Yeah.

Dan: Yeah, I would definitely strong recommend this

Reegs: Mm-hmm.

Cris: No, no.